I started writing this on the day the death of TV presenter and Fast 100 founder Dr Michael Mosley was announced. I was reminded of just how fragile, precious, and unpredictable life is, and how the death of someone you have never met but admired from afar can impact us deeply.
Sheryl Sandberg on Grief
The timing of Dr Mosley’s tragic death happened to coincide with me reading the book Option B: Finding Adversity, Building Resilience and Finding Joy.
In the book, Sheryl Sandberg talks about the days after she lost her husband, Dave, who died unexpectedly from a cardiac arrhythmia in a hotel gym. She describes grief as a demanding companion.
In those early days and weeks and months, it was always there, not just below the surface but on the surface. Simmering, lingering, festering. Then, like a wave, it would rise up and pulse through me, as if it were going to tear my heart right out of my body. In those moments, I felt like I couldn’t bear the pain for one more minute, much less than one hour.
Concerned that the grief would never subside, and that the years stretching ahead of her would be endless and empty, she contacted friend and psychologist Adam Grant.
Insights from psychologist Adam Grant
He explained that she would need to allow the grief to run its course, and that the darkness would pass.
However, he made the point that her beliefs and actions would determine how quickly she moved through the void left by her husband’s death, and where she ended up at the end of the process.
Finding Adversity, Building Resilience and Finding Joy
Option B: Finding Adversity, Building Resilience and Finding Joy is the book they wrote together to share what they have learned about resilience.
They produced what Bill and Melinda Gates described as: “A powerful, practical guide for anyone trying to build resilience in their own lives, communities and companies.”
The Guardian described it as “The single, wisest book about grief I have ever found.”
A deep sense of loneliness
Speaking of her grief journey, Sandberg talks about the cultural pressure that exists all over the world to conceal negative emotions. How grief is often unspoken, ignored, and is often the elephant in the room that remains unacknowledged.
Yet for those in the grip of it, this can compound the deep sense of loneliness than goes hand in hand with the loss. Conversations can feel cold, distant and stilted. Connections with others can feel like they are slipping away.
As time passed and the healing continued, Sandberg eventually reached a point where she was able to say:
I now know it is possible to experience post-traumatic growth. In the wake of the most crushing blows, people can find greater strength and deeper meaning.
Post-traumatic growth
There is a growing body of literature suggesting that traumatic experiences can be a catalyst for positive change. They can cause us to reassess our lives, our priorities, our life goals, our values, the world we live in, and our future in it.
Post-traumatic growth typically refers to enduring positive psychological change experienced as a result of adversity, trauma, or highly challenging life circumstances ~ (Jayawickreme et al., 2021).
The Happiness Hypothesis
In his book The Happiness Hypothesis, Jonathan Haidt explains that “rising to a challenge reveals your hidden abilities, and seeing these abilities changes your self-concept.”
It reveals to us what we are capable of, showing us that we are stronger than we realised, which can give us the strength to face future challenges. Growth, strength and self-improvement can result.
Other positive changes
Other positive changes can include a greater appreciation of life, the opening up of new possibilities, a greater sense of personal strength, improved relationships, and spiritual development (Henson, et al., 2021).
When looking at the character strengths of people who completed an online survey before the events of 9/11 compared to those who completed it after, Peterson & Seligman (2003) found that the latter group reported higher levels of gratitude, hope, kindness, leadership, love, spirituality, and teamwork.
Growth does not erase the trauma
However, the literature also suggests that significant growth may only take place when it is preceded by, or when it occurs together with, significant amounts of distress (Tedeschi, Park and Calhoun, 1998).
We may be able to live a fuller and more meaningful life because of post-traumatic growth, but the trauma is still there. Occasionally we will be reminded of it. We will have to exist with it and move around it, but we cannot erase it.
A lost loved one will not return, but we can continue to live side by side with the grief, remembering them and the life we shared with them.
Not everyone experiences growth
Friedrich Nietzsche’s famous quote ‘What does not kill me makes me stronger’ (1888) cannot be applied in all cases.
Tragic and traumatising events and experiences can leave us feeling mentally bruised, anxious, fearful, and alter the course of our lives.
Major life crises can often cause debilitating post-traumatic stress that impacts individuals for the rest of their lives. There is no post-traumatic growth.
A note of caution
We are all different and pressure should not be put on anyone to find positives after experiences that have been traumatic and life changing.
That will not aid recovery.
There is also the risk of diminishing someone’s experience if the feeling is that they should gain something positive from it.
Some people can experience growth as a result of dealing adverse life experiences, and there many stories of survival and post-traumatic growth online.
But for others it can take time, and there should not be an expectation that it will happen.
There will be others that do not experience any form of growth from their experience. In fact, the exact opposite.
While celebrating stories of growth and survival, we must remember these people too.
Sources
Henson, C., Truchot, D. and Canevello, A., 2021. What promotes post traumatic growth? A systematic review. European Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 5(4), p.100195.
Jayawickreme, E., Infurna, F.J., Alajak, K., Blackie, L.E., Chopik, W.J., Chung, J.M., Dorfman, A., Fleeson, W., Forgeard, M.J., Frazier, P. and Furr, R.M., 2021. Post‐traumatic growth as positive personality change: Challenges, opportunities, and recommendations. Journal of personality, 89(1), pp.145-165.
Peterson, C. and Seligman, M.E., 2003. Character strengths before and after September 11. Psychological Science, 14(4), pp.381-384.
Sharp, L., Redfearn, D., Timmons, A., Balfe, M., Patterson, J. (2018). Posttraumatic growth in head and neck cancer survivors: Is it possible and what are the correlates? Psycho- Oncology, 27(6), 1517–1523.
Tedeschi, R. G., Calhoun, L. G. (1996). The Posttraumatic Growth Inventory: Measuring the positive legacy of trauma. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 9, 455–471.
