It isn’t always easy to look after ourselves and treat ourselves with the same level of compassion and understanding that we display towards other people, and this is definitely something I have struggled with in the past.
Our inner dialogue can often be negative and self-depreciating, tormenting us in a way that could even be considered abusive. We can be our own worst enemy and our harshest critic.
Yet we would not treat others the same way, nor would we be allowed to. It could even be considered abuse, yet we regularly bully and berate ourselves of we feel we have faltered or failed.
Often, we set unrealistic standards for ourselves, push ourselves beyond our limits, fail to fuel our bodies properly or take enough rest. Yet, in the midst of this relentless pursuit to be productive, to climb the career ladder, to be successful, to be the best we feel we should be, we often forget a crucial element of our well-being: self-compassion.
Understanding Self-Compassion
Self-compassion, as defined by Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneering researcher in the field, involves three main components: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.
Self-kindness means being gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly critical. Common humanity recognises that suffering and personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience. Mindfulness entails being present with our pain without exaggerating it or ignoring it.
The Benefits of Self-Compassion:
Emotional Resilience
When we treat ourselves with compassion, we build emotional resilience. Instead of spiralling into negative self-talk and despair when things go wrong, calling ourselves names and telling ourselves we are not good enough, we learn to respond with kindness and understanding. This compassionate response helps us recover from setbacks more quickly and effectively.
Improved Mental Health
Numerous studies have shown that self-compassion is linked to lower levels of anxiety, depression, and stress. By accepting our flaws and mistakes with grace, and appreciating that we are only human, we reduce the internal pressure and negative emotions that often accompany self-criticism. This fosters a healthier and more balanced mental state.
Greater Motivation
Contrary to the belief that self-criticism drives success, self-compassion can actually enhance motivation. When we are compassionate towards ourselves, we create a safe environment for growth. We become more willing to take risks, knowing that failure will be met with understanding rather than harsh judgment.
Cultivating Self-Compassion:
Practice Self-Kindness
The first step in cultivating self-compassion is to be aware of our inner dialogue. Crucial is catching ourselves times when we are being self-critical, and changing our message to one that is kind and supportive rather than hostile and negative. Just like we would speak to a friend our loved one. For example, instead of saying, “I’m such a failure,” we could try, “I’m doing my best.”
Embrace Common Humanity
Everyone experiences pain, failure, and imperfection, and it is helpful to remind ourselves that we are not alone in our struggles. It can be helpful to connect with others by sharing our experiences and listening to theirs. This sense of shared humanity can alleviate feelings of isolation and foster compassion towards ourselves and others.
Mindful Awareness
Mindfulness involves staying present with our emotions without judgment. So, when we encounter difficult feelings, we acknowledge them without trying to suppress or magnify them. We just let them be but don’t give them power by giving them our attention. We know they will pass.
Practices like meditation can help with this, and it does take a little practise. It won’t happen overnight, as we have spent so long paying attention to our negative thoughts and feelings and letting them run riot in our minds.
Self-Compassionate Exercises
There is huge benefit in engaging in activities that promote self-compassion. Journaling is one example. It can be a powerful tool to help process our thoughts and emotions. Getting thoughts out of head and down on paper can also help prevent them going around our heads in an endless loop.
Others exercises include writing letters to ourselves as if we were comforting a friend, as well as engage in self-care practices such as taking a warm bath, going for a walk, or taking time to enjoy a hobby. For me, there is nothing better than curling up on the sofa with a good book, and it will always be my happy place.
Overcoming Barriers to Self-Compassion
While the benefits of self-compassion are clear, many people find it challenging to practise. Common barriers include deeply ingrained self-critical habits, fear of complacency, and societal messages that equate self-compassion with selfishness. Overcoming these barriers requires patience and persistence.
Challenge Self-Critical Thoughts
It can be helpful to remind ourselves that self-criticism is often counterproductive, and to challenge our thoughts by questioning their validity and considering more compassionate alternatives.
For example, if we think to ourselves, “I’ll never be good enough,” we could ask ourselves, “Is this thought helping me achieve my goals, or is it holding me back?”
Reframe Self-Compassion as Strength
It is important that we understand that self-compassion is not about making excuses or avoiding responsibility. It’s about acknowledging our humanity and treating ourselves with the same kindness we would offer others. It is something we should see as a strength that empowers us to grow and improve.
Seek Support
Sometimes, seeking support from others can be crucial in developing self-compassion. Talk to friends, family, or a therapist if needed. Sometimes the reasons we are so self-critical run deep and professional help is needed to help unravel them, understand them, and begin to like and respect ourselves a little more.
Embracing the Journey
Self-compassion is not a destination but a journey. It requires ongoing practise and commitment. By cultivating self-kindness, recognising our shared humanity, and maintaining mindful awareness, we can transform our inner dialogue and nurture our well-being.
